54 Candles Expedition

A Partial Glossary of Terms

By Allen Sherpa

Ten men – most from the White Mountains of Arizona – will launch an assault on the summit of Mount Hood, Oregon’s highest mountain, in the early morning hours of Friday the 13^th of April, 2001. Allen Sherpa was invited to participate, but declined. With this letter, he’s staying in close contact with the climbing party.

Well pal, it’s finally starting to hit me. You guys are really going to pull this off. You’re actually going to bundle up like woolen cigars and head up that mountain. The more I learn about this 54 Candles thing, the more I’m realizing it’s not going to be a walk in the park. You’re going to be all decked out in mountain climbers gear, wearing the fancy gizmos, carrying avalanche beacons and who knows what else? I suppose if the weather’s right, you’ll probably have to learn to yodel too.

So I won’t continue to be confused by the words you’re using (your “thinking” still confuses me a bit), I’ve begun a little glossary of some of the terms you’re using for the expedition. I’m not Sir Edmund Hillary so forgive me if I’m not 100% correct. I’m doing my best.

Crampons – These sound like some real handy devices. They’re sort of sharp, metal “claws” that you’re going to strap to your feet so you can walk up and down glaciers without falling down. You’re telling me they’re safety devices and yet I’ve learned that the first official injury of the expedition has already occurred. It seems one of the expedition members was trying to adjust one his crampons when his hand slipped across the razor sharp edge. The crampon adjustment was completed once the bleeding stopped.

I have also learned that crampons are only effective when they are in contact with the ground. Note that during a fall down a mountain, this isn’t always the position of the feet.

Ice Axe – This is a good one. You’re taking ten guys, roping them together so they couldn’t retreat from each other if they wanted to, and now you’re going to give each one of them an axe. Once again, you say it’s a safety device.

It is an object with two “points” on the head and one “point” at the base of the handle – all three of which are extremely sharp. In the event you fall while climbing the mountain, you’re supposed to make a split-second decision to (1) cram one point of that axe into the snow and ice of the glacier and (2) fall on the axe with your body in order to put enough weight on it to cause the axe to imbed itself in the glacier. Admittedly, I’ve never summitted Mount Everest or for that matter, Cinder Mountain, but . . . if only one of three points is in the snow and you throw your body onto the axe, where are the other two points? I trust you’re really into this “bleeding” thing.

Carabiner – This little device appears to me to be a paperclip on steroids. Nonetheless, you’re telling me you are going to use this four inch, metal paperclip to attach yourself to a rope. The other nine guys are going to clip themselves to the same rope. If one of these guys falls over a cliff, this paperclip which is going to be hooked to his “harness” is going to keep him from getting hurt. (Incidentally, the “harness” is also quite a device which I’ll cover later – even though it looks like it came from an old Victoria’s Secret catalog.)

Pardon me Mr. Alpine, but it appears to me that the best thing that can happen here is that his paperclip breaks. I’m not a rocket scientist, but if a 225 pound man falls over a cliff and there’s about 50 feet of slack rope between the two of you and you’re tied together, this is a problem. My estimate is that he’s going to be doing about mach-III when the slack is taken up. You would have had roughly two seconds to wave goodbye before your launch into the stratosphere. You and your buddies are going to look like a human slinky as you set the speed record for a descent of Mount Hood.

Bergschrund – According to the dictionary, this is a crevasse or series of crevasses at the upper end of a mountain glacier. You and your climbing mates are going to be crossing one of these at the upper end of the Palmer Glacier. In truth, bergschrund is a German word meaning “A repository of nut-cases”.

The more I get into this mountain climbing thing, the more I realize there are lots of words and expressions that I’ll need to know. Well, I guess that’s another story.