54 Candles Expedition

Fine Dining at the Summit Cafe

By Allen Sherpa

Ten men – most from the White Mountains of Arizona – will launch an assault on the summit of Mount Hood, Oregon’s highest mountain, in the early morning hours of Friday the 13^th of April, 2001. Allen Sherpa was invited to participate, but declined. With this letter, he’s staying in close contact with the climbing party.

You’ve got to be pulling my leg. Now and again, I start thinking I should take you up on the invite and try climbing Mount Hood with you. Surely, it can’t be all that hard to do. But then you give me a little more information and I come to my senses. Explain this one to me. You guys are trying to get in shape, lose weight, get lean and mean. You’re doing all this so you can risk life and limb, freeze your tails off, push the limits of exhaustion, fall into major ice cracks and holes and that’s not bad enough?

Now you show me the “menu” for the climb. You’re really planning on eating that stuff? I’ll tell you what, Ice Man, if that were my diet, I’d look at Joe Apaio as a gourmet chef.

You say one of the problems involves carrying too much weight up the mountain and that your menu keeps excess weight to a minimum. If I were you, I’d think about getting rid of some of the unnecessary weight of things like ice axes and ropes before I’d give up real food. You’ve got climbers actually cutting the handles off of their tooth brushes to save on weight? Come on – just leave the tooth brush below and throw a corned beef and rye in the bag. You’re not going to be kissing anyone up there anyway.

Here are some of the things you guys are taking and you’re doing it voluntarily. Ramen noodle soup - Add water and boil. Macaroni and cheese - Add water and boil. Ramen “Oriental Flavor” soup - Add water and boil. Tea - Add water and boil.

We’re starting to see a pattern here aren’t we Mr. Prince of Pinnacles? I mean we’re not exactly talking gourmet meals here. In fact, if I sat down to a meal like this at home, I’d be looking real hard at what I’d done to make my wife so angry and start repenting for my evil ways even if I didn’t have a clue what they’d been. Your menu is sounding about as appetizing as grazing on garden mulch.

The “add water and boil” phrase is what truly makes this thing interesting. Your little packing list says you’re each going to take along a one liter water bottle. It doesn’t take a math wizard to figure out that one liter of water is going to be gone soon after departing base camp. You’re going to spend a good part of your time climbing with an empty water bottle. You then get to “high camp” tired, hungry and anxious to indulge yourselves in culinary bliss. You break out your favorite variety of Ramen soup and discover – you’ve got to add water and boil. Is this called a revelation?

Surely, you’re not under the impression you’re going to pull yourself up and over some rock wall near the summit and find a mini-Bashas grocery store where you can buy water? No, you actually have to sit down in the middle of a blizzard, get out some NASA sanctioned mountain stove and begin melting snow to make your water. When considering all the other comforts you’ll be enjoying while sitting on a glacier in middle of a snow storm, shaking and freezing, what’s this little inconvenience?

Finally, the dessert menu - “PowerBars”. The label says “High Performance Energy Bar”. I couldn’t resist. I had to try eating one of these things. I say “try” because frankly, I couldn’t finish it. I’ve tasted some lousy stuff before. I’ve probably even tasted worse. I just don’t remember when and where. These PowerBars are supposed give you so much energy that you can dance up the mountain while juggling bowling balls. I think I’d rather haul a piano up the mountain than stuff one of these things in the same place I normally put food.

If it’s just raw “energy” that you’re looking for, why don’t you just try sipping on a little bit of the white gas you burn in the fancy stove. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about using up all your water. You wouldn’t have to melt snow to get the water to add to the Ramen to get the energy. You could leave the stove home and wouldn’t need as much energy in the first place. Seems to me this is sort of like buying wholesale.

If you truly want me to consider heading up this mountain with you guys, how about putting a little more thought into the menu. I’m not above a bowl of cereal once in a while, but come on snow boy, you’re going to have to do better than this for chow.

I’ll tell you what. You invite someone like Martha Stewart, Julia Child or Alyce Waters to go on the climb. If one of them says yes, I’ll go too. Until then, you can look for me in the restaurant at the lodge. You can figure out which wine goes best with macaroni and cheese. But, I guess that’s another story.